I've been playing poker since I was a teenager, and I freely admit that I will, on occasion, use profanity during a game. I will also, on occasion, use the word "Jesus" in a sentence if something interesting happens at the table. For example, I might say, "Jesus -- that was a good hand," or "Jesus, why the hell did I call that bet with the drek I was holding?!" Or sometimes, if something really major happens, I might say, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph -- I can't believe that one."
In the poker group I've been playing with these past few months, I've used the "J" word more than a few times, and without incident. Now I'm not trying to say I am right to do so and that the government should require every sentence uttered in this country to start with the word "Jesus." I'm merely saying that these utterances often happen during poker games and most people don't mean anything by them.
Indeed, Jesus is arguably the finest person to have ever walked the Earth -- I only have a problem with what organized religion has done to him over the centuries. As Max Von Sydow's character said in Hannah and Her Sisters: "If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in His name, He'd never stop throwing up."
Well, last night during a game I uttered the "J" word at the end of a hand. I swear to God it was an innocuous utterance -- I didn't, for example, accuse Jesus of being the spawn of Satan or anything like that. Well, a lady across the table who had been playing poker with our group for the past several weeks made some religious comment about how Jesus was her Lord and Savior, and I responded -- half sincerely yet also half jokingly -- "Yeah, Jesus is one of my favorite persons . . . along with Bob Hope."
I know -- it was a stupid remark, mostly because I don't really like Bob Hope that much. Don't get me wrong -- he was an OK dude and all, but there are far better choices I could have made to complete that particular comment.
But right after I said it, this woman rose up from the table, told us she took offense, and said she was done playing. I immediately apologized for my remark -- it was, after all, a stupid thing to say -- but she insisted on dropping out of the tourney. Although I could feel the anger starting to rise in me -- I have a very short fuse when it comes to Bible-Beaters -- I nonetheless apologized once again, then Will, the player to my left, also apologized for similar comments he might have made in the past. This woman's daughter, who was also playing poker with us, begged her to accept our apologies and not drop out of the tourney.
None of that mattered -- she was doing the work of The Lord Ja-Heesus now and nothing could dissuade her from her Holy Mission. She continued to insist that she was done playing, and then started doing some more preaching to us. I said to her, "I'm really sorry I made that comment, and I didn't mean to insult anyone with it." Then I added, "Don't you think Jesus might have been a self-deprecating type of person with a good sense of humor?" Her response: "I don't know what 'self deprecating' means." That's when I knew it was hopeless.
I don't have to tell anyone out there who knows me that I started to really lose my temper at that point. I told her that it might indeed be best if she dropped out of the tournament, then demanded that additional time be put back on the blind clock to make up for the time we lost during our little detour into American Taliban territory (I didn't use the phrase "American Taliban," but I wish I would have).
Then Will, who like me was also about ready to blow a gasket, stood up and said that he's done playing, and started walking out. Given that I felt exactly the same way, I too stood up, said I was done, and started walking away. My anger really exploded as I was walking out the door, and I said some things that cannot be repeated even on this blog.
It was not one of my better moments, but dammit -- I was getting good cards last night and had a decent shot at winning that tournament. And my comments were made during a poker game, for Christ's Sake.
The worst part was that, had she merely said, "You know, I'm a religious type and don't feel comfortable to be around that kind of talk," I would have apologized and promised to keep the language down. Indeed, I would have apologized profusely, because that's just the kind of guy I am -- plus, I had a pretty good chip stack at the time and would have done just about anything to keep things from getting out of hand. Hell, I would have even promised to kiss Pat Robertson's ass if I felt it would have done any good.
Jesus, Texas hold 'em can be a really difficult game sometimes.
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